your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
