A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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