I puked a lego.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
