I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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