Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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