I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
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