Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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