The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
