She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
