i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
