Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
