I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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