the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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