I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
