I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
