Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
