We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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