The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
