I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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