i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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