so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
