My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
it glows. i had to have it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
