apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
