Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
