I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
