I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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