I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
