there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
