I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
