can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
