alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
