My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
