You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
