Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
