i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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