I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
