Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
