and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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