"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
