I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
