note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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