Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
