You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
