Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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