i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
