So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
