i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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