Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
