I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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