my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
