I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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