Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
