This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just tell him i said nine months
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
