My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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